Listening Works Wonders - the key to patient parenting

Why deep listening will bring connection, clarity and patient parenting - and a simple tool to bring more deep listening into your life.

Parents face so many challenges and difficulties, from financial stress, to relationship difficulties, to things like guilt, exhaustion, sleep deprivation and more general and insidious oppressions like racism.

These things can have a profound impact on your ability to connect well with your child; it really isn't your fault if times are tough. And it is such a relief to learn that all of these hurts can be healed from with the right attention and with time.

The one thing that can stop that healing is what I think of as Parent Nemesis Number One.

Isolation.

Isolation means that we hold back from letting others into our hearts. It means we don't share how hard we find it when our child speaks to us disrespectfully, or how guilty we feel that we can't always give our kids our best selves, or how angry we get when our kids fight. We don't allow others to see our vulnerabilities and our faults. And that means we don't see theirs.

So we think we are the only parent who has these issues.

Image by Nathan Dumlao from Unsplash

News flash? You're not the only parent who has these issues!

How do I know this? Because I've shared tens of thousands of hours with other parents, listening deeply and sharing vulnerably... and it has changed my life in almost every way.

This form of listening is a simple, free, flexible and life changing tool which can and does counter the sense of isolation I explored earlier.

Listening works wonders, and the Hand in Hand Parenting approach teaches a tool called Listening Partnerships where parents offer support to one another.

Each parent is viewed as (and is!) the expert in their own family.

With time, and with practice, they go to the hard places and come up for air feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to lead their families well.

Listening Partnerships are an agreement made by two parents to meet regularly.

There are a few important commitments:

we trade equal time;

we listen with warmth and respect;

we listen without judgement;

we listen without aiming to fix or give advice;

we hold what is said in complete confidentiality; and

we do not refer back to what is said (with others or with the speaker).

This set of guidelines provide a safe haven where you are free to offload your thoughts and feelings about areas of tension and stress. Having this uninterrupted time to mull over your own thoughts and ideas provides an avenue for your own intelligence to shine.

You speak for a pre agreed time, and then you provide the same listening to your partner for the same amount of time.

Trust and respect between listeners builds over time, but this isn't a relationship that brings burdens or expectations - you won't need to send birthday cards, organise catch ups, or even engage in chit chat before your meetings.

This is a relationship set up with one purpose only - listening.

Having an opportunity to talk about the things that challenge us provides us with much needed support. Having an opportunity to listen to another parent's experiences helps to break down the sense of isolation that pervades our lives as parents.

We learn that we aren't the only ones to have hard days, big feelings, and regrets. Over time, our kinship with other parents grows. We realise in a very deep way that all parents want the best for their kids, and that all parents are doing their very best in each moment.

And as the feeling of isolation slowly disintegrates, we are more free to use our intelligence to problem solve and lead well in our family.

Listening Partnerships can sound daunting at first... but many thousands of people around the world use this concept every day, and every one of them reaps the rewards in terms of self-care and an improvement in family life.

It is absolutely worth a try!

If you'd like to give Listening Partnerships a go, there are various avenues - send me an email and I'll be glad to help! [email protected]

I hold regular (monthly) Listening Circles online where you can learn more about this gently, warmly structured approach to Listening Partnerships and experience first-hand the lightness and joy they can bring.

Listening works wonders!

Here's how it can work: (from the book Listen by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore)

I was having a really hard time with my twelve-year-old. She and I could not see eye-to-eye at all. My listening partner invited me to talk about what it was like for me when I was twelve. That's the age I was when my Mom left us, and we were very poor. I had so much work I had to do! I cried many times about the shock and the very hard times we had. No wonder seeing my daughter have so much more than I had brings up a lot of feelings! In my listening time, I could say, "How dare you say that you don't have anything! I had nothing!" and cry and cry.

I think that really helped me, because now when we're together, we have a lot of fun. She and I have playful ways to connect. I'm no longer screaming, "Why aren't you cleaning your room? Why are you complaining? You have everything!"

Her life is so different than mine was at her age, and it wasn't her fault that I didn't have all the stuff that she has now. All I can do is wish the best for her, and hope that she will use what she has wisely. The most important thing is that the connection between is there. We go for walks; I get along with her so much better now than when I wasn't working on my feelings about when I was twelve years old.